John Martin's Page

The Institute is now recommending that the EPA launch a national house to house search program to protect America from it's citizens.After some in-depth studies, and a couple of cases of Vodka, Institute research personnel now feel that there is a distinct possibility that terrorists, both foreign and domestic (disguising themselves as normal everyday people) may be filling up balloons with C02 from their own lungs, and then secreting them in their underwear for later release of the toxic substance in public places.Everyone knows how poisonous C02 is, and it’s deadly contribution to phony man made global warming. Hence, it is the Institute’s recommendation that the EPA launch an immediate national house to house crotch and chest groping search program similar to the TSA‘s. It is also the institute's recommendation that the searched parties tip the gropers at least 25 cents or more.See More

The Legislative Institute for Evidential Science (LIES) has just completed another in-depth study, and has come up with two possible explanations for recent U.S. Government trends.Do you know of anyone who exhibits these symptoms?Someone who believes phony man made global warming is real?Someone who sees swastikas that aren’t there?Someone who hears derogatory racial epitaphs that aren’t being spoken?Someone who sees normal everyday people peacefully protesting harmful questionable government actions, as a dangerous mob hell bent on violence?Someone who sees violent mobs smashing windows, burning cars and hurling objects at police, as good citizens doing their civic duty?Someone who believes that the family members of 9/11 victims are only protesting the construction of the ground zero terrorist victory monument, because some mean spirited organization is secretly paying them to do so?Someone who believes that the overwhelming majority of the American people wanted the government to take over and run the health care insurance industry?Someone who is unable to read or comprehend legislative bills… i.e., “we have to pass it to see what’s in it.“Someone who thought trying to purchase a $500 million dollar fleet of luxury political junket jets with tax payer money, while the country is in dire financial straights, was a good way to save the tax payers money?Someone who believes that the best way to reduce health care insurance costs for everybody is to raise the cost of health care insurance for everybody?Someone who believes that Churches should promote the government agenda, but anything remotely related to a belief in God be totally banned from the government domain.Forgetfulness…bouts of blank staring into space, unable to find the words, unable to get their stories straight....If you know of anyone in government exhibiting these symptoms, it could be dementia.https://health.google.com/health/ref/DementiaThen again, when these symptoms are common among a specific group of people in the government …. It might just be LSD in the water cooler.http://www.righthealth.com/topic/LSD?as=clink&ac=1437&afc=2168586466&p=In any event, The Institute feels it’s time to send these people home for good this November, so they can get the help they need.See More

The Legislative Institute for Evidential Science (LIES) is recommending that Government Motors be given an additional ten billion dollars of tax money to invest in Square Wheel Technology for The New Chevy Volt.After an extensive study, the institute has come to the conclusion that square wheels will give the new Chevy Volt far better traction than other vehicles.We here at the institute have observed that round wheels’ only contact with road surfaces is limited to about three to six inches at best. depending on tire pressure. With square wheels, 25% of the wheel will always be in contact with the road surface. Thus, better traction, more stability, fewer accidents.Square wheels will be more expensive to produce. however, the added cost will easily be offset by the savings derived from the elimination of the parking brake system, which is not necessary for square wheels vehicles.True, the square wheels will reduce the 40 mile range a bit, and increase the $41,000 cost of the vehicle slightly. However, with the way the current government is running the economy, no one will have the money, or have any place to go to anyway. Hence, we can all now look forward to an enormous reduction phony man made global warming by keeping everyone at home.In closing, we'd just like to state our opinion that ... Now that the government has given us the Chevy Volt, it’s time for them to take over Boeing.Let’s face it folks, what this country really needs now is a good five cent cigar and a twenty five billion dollar "two seater" electric airplane, that can fly non stop from Brooklyn all the way to Staten Island on a single charge.Note: Those of you who have already purchased a Volt may wish to visit the lightening rod section of The Lies Store, and take a look at our new Volt extented milage kitSee More

The Legislative Institute for Evidential Science (LIES) announced today..“THEY”RE BACK!Yes folks, the UN Phony Man Made Global Warming people are back at it again. Their new defense for their phony scam… “Just because someone is lying , does not mean they are not telling the truth.”Indeed, the science is settled and undisputable. The Phony Man Made Global Warming Scientists have spoken….once more, facts and self evident truth have no place in their self serving science.Hence, even though their Phony Man Made Global Warming “theory” is based on false data,, and the fact that self evident truth indicates natural global cooling is taking place instead (as indicated by the recent global snow storms and blizzards that interrupted their “conferences.“) THIS TIME..their made up phony numbers do not lie.If you are puzzled by all of this, obviously you are not familiar with The Costello-Bouchagaloop Mathematical Law of The Third Banana. You can actually see the theory become scientific law in an old Abbott and Costello film.This is a demonstation of how the mathematical law works....Mr. Bouchagaloop is a push cart fruit vender. When Lou Costello approached his cart he saw a sign on the cart that read. “Three Bananas- Ten Cents” Lou took a dime out his pocket and handed it to Mr. Bouchagaloop, “ I’ll take three bananas, please." Bouchagaloop took the dime and handed Lou two bananas. Lou, immediately demanded .”I said three bananas, that‘s what your sign says. Three bananas for a dime! Where’s my third banana?” Mr. Bouchagaloop immediately, replied, “You gotta three bananas!” Lou countered, "I only got two bananas.” Mr. Bouchagaloop took the two bananas out of his hand and smiled… “Let a me show you.” He held up one banana and then handed to Lou. “You gotta one a banana here, right!” Then he held up the second banana and placed it in Lou’s other hand. “This is two a banana right?” Lou said, Yeah? Mr. Bouchagaloop, then replied, “One a banana and a two a banana… Ats a three bananas!”Now by utilizing this mathematical law to prove one's case, one might be asked, “Well, who actually ends up with the non existant third banana? In this instance the answer is simple…The honest people who work for a living and pay their taxes.See More

Some of you might be aware of The Institute’s recent recommendation that the government replace it’s policy of watching old Three Stooges movies, as their main source for coming up with problem solving solutions, to actually appointing live experts.You can imagine our embarrassment when the government responded…“Obvious the Institute has not been keeping up with current events. That policy was discontinued in Jan of 2009, when the DVDs were sent back to The National Archives and two of internet Al‘s top experts were assigned to run the National Save The World Crisis advisory board. In fact, these two experts, aside from solving the financial crissis with all of the new green job creation, are also responsible for the exceptional success we are having with solving the Gulf Oil Spill crises.”Hence, we here at the Institute would like to take this opportunity to apologize to the government, and personally thank Sponge Bob and Patrick for all of their efforts on our behalf.Keep up the good work, guys!See More

Some of you might be aware of The Institute’s recent recommendation that the government replace it’s policy of watching old Three Stooges movies, as their main source for coming up with problem solving solutions, to actually appointing live experts.You can imagine our embarrassment when the government responded…“Obvious the Institute has not been keeping up with current events. That policy was discontinued in Jan of 2009, when the DVDs were sent back to The National Archives and two of internet Al‘s top experts were assigned to run the National Save The World Crisis advisory board. In fact, these two experts, aside from solving the financial crissis with all of the new green job creation, are also responsible for the exceptional success we are having with solving the Gulf Oil Spill crises.”Hence, we here at the Institute would like to take this opportunity to apologize to the government, and personally thank Sponge Bob and Patrick for all of their efforts on our behalf.Keep up the good work, guys!See More

The Legislative Institute for Evidential Science (LIES) is proud to announce Flying John’s Poem.. Popcorn Bones…as the Winner of it’s 2010 Save The Planet Poetry Contest.His Poem....POPCORN BONES I was sitting home, watching TV, on a quiet peaceful day. When the doorbell rang, at a critical point, when some expert had something to say. "Hold on, I yelled, I'll be there, just give me a minute or two. There’s a guy of the tube about to let us know, what's important to me and you." "It's urgent, he yelled, best come now, this matter will not wait. I'm here to save you, so hurry up, before it's way too late." So I flicked the remote, ran to the door, and opened it in haste. There stood a man in a tee shirt, it read, Down with Nuclear Waste. I said, hi, how are you? I see you got one of them phones. He said, yeah! I need it, friend, to save you from popcorn bones. Popcorn Bones, I asked him, are you sure that that's a threat? "It's worst then global warming, friend, on that fact, you can bet. You see, my friend, I 'm an activist, make a hundred grand a year. Just saving ignorant folks like you, from the things they do not fear. I went to college, but hated work, so this career I have choose. I make good money, from folks like you, so I can pay for these fancy clothes." That's fine, my friend, I understand, but are you sure about this threat? Oh yeah, he smiled, it's real okay, it just hasn't hit TV yet. "Well what do they do, these evil things, and whose the one at fault?" "They damage our genes, pollute our streams, while putting money in a corporate vault." "Well, I ate some popcorn, long ago, but damned if I recall. Having cracked my teeth on popcorn bones, them things must be awful small?". "Small as there are, they fill our dumps, and defoliate our trees. Just give it ten more years or so, they'll bring us to our knees. You don't have to take my word for it, friend, it's all in this report. It's written by some scientist, with movie stars' support." "Well, what can I do, to end this threat, and help my fellow man?" "Just sign right here, and write a check, I'll let you know the plan." So I signed the thing, and wrote the check, then placed it in his hand. He said, I'm off to Washington, friend, to go and see the man. We'll make a new law, with Nancy P, and the rest of the gang we know. We'll have hearings and such, with lies of course, and maybe a TV show. We'll get the votes, with the network news, and get a new law passed. Then we'll tap the phones, of your neighbors and friends to end this blight at last." So I wished him luck, then off he went, I thought that I done right. When six months had passed, they got their law, and I went to jail that night. For, it seems I was part of the problem, you know, but I'm still confused today. For I'm doing six to twenty now, with the guys from NRA. Popcorn Bones you ask me? Never heard of them you say? Well of course not, friend, we banned them all. There ain't none around today.Flying John stated he was suprized at the win and plans to use the 25 cent prize money to get his door ball disconnected.See More